How to talk to kids about the death of a pet

Parents often struggle with how to discuss the death of a pet with their children. Since children are often unfamiliar with the concept of death and permanency, it can be challenging for them to understand and cope with the loss. Fortunately, there are experts and resources available to help families navigate this difficult time.

Dr. Stephanie Nelson, a veterinarian and mother of four, has personal experience with losing pets and guiding her own children through the grieving process. Her children, ranging in age from 2 to 11 years old, have grown accustomed to having multiple dogs as part of their family. According to Nelson, her kids have witnessed the loss of many pets, and they have a clear understanding that dogs do not live forever. They openly discuss the fact that their pets will eventually pass away.

Although the death of a pet is always painful, there are strategies and tips that can assist children in dealing with their emotions. Here, experts share advice on how to help kids cope with the loss of a beloved pet, including how to discuss grief and guide them through the confusing and painful feelings that emerge.

Be honest about what’s happening

Cōlleen O’Brien, a licensed social worker and founder of BLUE dog Counseling, advises parents to be truthful when explaining the situation to their children. She believes that certain phrases commonly used by adults, such as “put to sleep” or “cross the rainbow bridge,” can be confusing and scary for kids. Instead, O’Brien recommends using simpler language to describe death. She suggests saying that the pet has died and will no longer be awake or functioning. It is important to start with less detail and answer any additional questions the children may have. O’Brien believes that children have a natural curiosity and investigative nature that can drive further conversations about death.

Help kids understand the process

Jana DeCristofaro, the community response program coordinator at The Dougy Center: The National Grief Center for Children and Families, acknowledges that explaining pet euthanasia to children can be challenging. Unlike discussing human deaths, where decisions are often made collaboratively with medical professionals, pet euthanasia involves a different process. DeCristofaro offers a few simple scripts to assist parents:

• “When our pet can’t get better and is suffering, we need to help end their suffering.”
• “The doctor will give Franklin a medicine, just for animals, and that medicine will let them die peacefully and painlessly.”

DeCristofaro also recommends The Dougy Center’s guide to helping children cope with pet death, which was created in collaboration with Debra Lee, the veterinary wellbeing director at the DoveLewis Emergency Animal Hospital.

Offer reassurance

Reassuring children that euthanasia is a choice made to end a pet’s suffering can help them process the deliberate act of ending a life. It is important to clarify that the medication used is specifically for animals and that the pet will feel no pain during the process.

Helping kids cope with the death of a pet

For most children, the death of a pet is their first experience with grief and loss, as opposed to losing a human loved one at an early age. The coping skills they develop during this time will form the foundation for handling future losses throughout their lives. Recognizing that pet death can have the same impact on kids and adults as the loss of a human family member, experts emphasize the importance of acknowledging the significance of this event for children. They provide the following suggestions to help children work through their grief:

1. Make room for complex emotions

Colleen O’Brien emphasizes that grief is processed differently by children at different ages. Young children often alternate between periods of intense grief and moments of playfulness. This compartmentalization of emotions is a normal response. Older children and adolescents may exhibit more traditional signs of grief as they grapple with the concept of permanency and come to terms with their loss. It is important for parents to understand and accept these varying emotional responses.

2. Let kids take the lead

Experts recommend allowing children to guide their own grieving process. Parents should provide basic information and answer any questions, but it is crucial not to try to shield children from the pain of saying goodbye and experiencing grief. If the opportunity arises to say goodbye to a pet before its passing, offer it to the children, but respect their choice if they decline.

3. Create a goodbye ritual to help ease the pain

When a pet shows signs of aging or a terminal illness, Dr. Stephanie Nelson suggests using truthful language to explain the situation to her children. If the date of death is known in advance, the family prepares the kids and follows the same rituals each time. They make sure to pamper the dog before its passing, allowing their children to feed it a special meal. While the kids say their goodbyes, they do not witness the euthanasia process. Nelson’s family also keeps photos of their beloved pets on display, providing an opportunity for the kids to reminisce and share memories. Additionally, they scatter a portion of the pet’s ashes in its favorite place as a way to honor its memory.

4. Consider censoring certain parts of your pet’s death

Younger children are generally not present during pet euthanasia and usually say their goodbyes at home instead. However, some tweens and teens may express a desire to witness the process. In such cases, it is important to be honest about what they will see. However, many children prefer to remember their pet as it was when it was alive, so showing them the deceased pet may not be beneficial. The decision about viewing ashes or remains should be left to the child, and it is advisable to wait until they express interest rather than offering it prematurely.

5. Practice bibliotherapy

Bibliotherapy, which involves using books to process emotions, is highly recommended by experts. They suggest several books that can help children cope with the death of a pet. Dr. Stephanie Nelson adds that any book on grief, even if not pet-specific, can be helpful for older children and teenagers as they mature and make mental connections between their experiences and broader themes of loss.

When to get a new pet after a loss

Deciding when to bring a new pet into the family is a deeply personal choice. It is important to consider the feelings and preferences of the entire family, not just the children. Some families find that getting a new pet promptly helps redirect their focus from the loss, while others require more time to heal before welcoming a new furry friend. Both approaches are normal and acceptable. Children often worry about how their deceased pet would feel about a new addition to the family. Asking them how their pet would feel about providing a loving home for another pet can help ease their concerns.

The bottom line

The loss of a pet is a profoundly difficult experience for any family. However, with adequate preparation and open discussions about complex emotions, it can also serve as a foundational moment in a child’s life, teaching them how to navigate grief and loss. It is important to reach out to veterinarians, who have experience supporting families through pet deaths, for additional guidance and support during this challenging time.