The Cost of Fixating on Others’ Harms

In situations or relationships with difficulty or tension, it’s natural to focus on the problematic actions of others. This can be useful in identifying what needs to change, but it also has its costs. Fixating on the harms done by others can intensify negative emotions and make it harder to see the good qualities in those we have issues with. It may also prevent us from recognizing our own role in the matter.

The Example of Unfair Criticism

For instance, let’s say you work with someone who is unfairly critical of you. While it’s important to acknowledge that this person is out of line, it’s equally important to consider their positive aspects and the influence of other factors contributing to the conflict. Additionally, reflecting on our own unintentional contributions can lead to a genuine sense of release and help us step out of conflicts and internal resentment.

Recognizing Our Part

Although some situations may have no connection to our actions, it’s essential to acknowledge our part when there is one. By taking responsibility, we can better manage our reactions and become more skillful in life. This willingness to see our role enables us to attain a sense of “blamelessness” and frees us from conflict and rumination within our minds.

The Practice

To begin, create a sense of self-care and resilience by focusing on the feeling of being cared about and acknowledging your own good qualities. Remind yourself of the benefits that come from recognizing your part in a situation. Then, choose a challenging situation or relationship with another person and consider the following:

• The mistreatment you have experienced from this person
• The ways in which this person has benefited you and others
• The effects of external factors, such as society or historical context, on the situation

Next, reflect on your own role in the matter. Categorize your thoughts, words, or actions into three groups:

• Innocent actions: Instances where you were present but did nothing wrong, or situations where you were wrongly accused
• Opportunities for greater skillfulness: Moments where you can improve, such as avoiding offensive language or becoming a more engaged parent/partner
• Moral faults: Times when you violated your own code of integrity, resulting in remorse, such as being unfair or demeaning to others

It’s crucial to differentiate between opportunities for greater skillfulness and moral faults, both for ourselves and for others. Acknowledging our role does not diminish the responsibility of others. Embrace compassion for yourself throughout this process and recognize your own positive qualities.

Allow waves of sadness or remorse to pass through you without guilt. Facing your part does not undermine your ability to take action. Instead, it helps you and others face their own parts, fostering peace and understanding.

Consider taking wise and helpful actions after gaining clarity about your role. This may involve communicating with others, making resolutions for the future, or making amends. Trust yourself to know what to do.

Recognize and embrace the benefits of seeing your part in a challenging situation. It’s a difficult but honorable step towards personal growth and resolution. You deserve the peace that comes with acknowledging your role in difficult situations.