Flash-forward 10 dates. We talk, we text, we get along. Things, I thought, were going along great, until yesterday she says: “I’d really like it if you’d start wearing heels or lifts in your shoes, because the height difference makes me very self-conscious when we’re out in public.”
Now, I get that everybody’s entitled to their preferences, but it really hurt, and to me this would be like my saying to her, “Gee, I like you and all, but you’re really flat-chested, so when we go out in public, could you wear falsies so everybody else will think you’re stacked?” I really like this woman, but if she doesn’t really like the real me, how much of a future could we have?
Seattle: That’s one way to look at it. Another is, if she could really ask that of anyone with a straight face, how much of a future would you want? Shallow and presumptuous is some kind of one-two punch.
What you do next depends on whether you find her request offensive or just stupid. If it’s the former (or both), you and she are probably done. If it’s the latter, then the best response is, to put it politely, “What the heck?”
Unfortunately, the moment for that kind of on-the-spot incredulity has passed, and to raise the issue now, you’d need to speak in full sentences. Your “this would be like my saying to her” example would get your point across nicely.
By posing it to her that way, you give her a chance to deplore her stupidity and embrace your short self — on the theory that everyone draws a stupid conclusion occasionally, and we’d probably all appreciate a chance to rethink ours. If she flunks, then at least you’ll both know why you no longer call.
Dear Carolyn:
Buddy 1 needs some business help, and Buddy 2 is superbly qualified to provide it. I already told 2 that I’d pass her contact information on to 1, but haven’t yet. See, 2 was embroiled in quite a sex scandal earlier this year, which was covered a little bit in the local paper.
Do I tell 1 about this? If it were me, I’d want to know and make my own decisions. He might already know, but I doubt it. There’s no worry about 2 coming on to him (he’s not her type, and they’d probably conduct business by email and telephone anyway).
Surely you’ve encountered a similar situation before. What is the protocol here?
A.: Actually, this is my first public-sex-scandal-meets-job-reference protocol question ever. But I’ll do my best.
If the scandal has any bearing on the work 2 would be doing for 1, or on 1’s professional reputation, then you must mention the scandal. Otherwise, you’d just be spreading dirt if you told.
Surely, too, there are karmic points to be won for helping a scandal die vs. helping the vile thing along.