Dear Sahaj: How Can I Salvage My Relationship with My Mom?

I’m an Indian queer immigrant living in the U.S. and my parents are in India. I have found love and currently my partner and I are living together. However, my parents do not want me to marry my partner unless my younger brother gets married as they feel the prospective bride will not agree to marry my brother if she finds out about me and my partner.

Dealing with a Disapproving Mom

This situation has led to several arguments with my mom, who has shown a strong dislike toward my partner. This has affected my mental health, and I don’t know how to salvage my relationship with my mom — who has shown complete hatred toward me and my partner. How should I go about this?

Find Your Own Path

As a queer individual, it is important for you to prioritize your own happiness and well-being. You need to decide what you are comfortable with, regardless of your mom’s opinions. Are you willing to wait to get married? Are you okay with committing to your partner without your mom’s support? It’s crucial to understand your own desires and align them with your personal values.

No Need for Permission

Remember, you don’t need your mom’s permission to marry your partner. While family support is valuable, it shouldn’t come at the expense of your own peace and happiness. It’s essential to create boundaries and differentiate yourself from your family’s expectations. Your mom’s disapproval doesn’t mean you are doing something wrong.

Understanding Your Mom’s Concerns

Consider whether your mom’s condition for waiting until after your brother’s marriage is a genuine sign of support or simply a delaying tactic. Does your mom have specific issues with your partner that are unrelated to queerness? It’s important to assess whether her dislike will truly change even after your brother gets married. This is an ongoing issue that won’t disappear with time.

Honest Reflection on Your Relationship

Reflect on your relationship with your mom and her overall acceptance of your queerness. If she has never shown acceptance, you need to be honest about what this means for your relationship. While compromising with your mom’s expectations might be an option, it’s crucial to prioritize your own happiness.

Engaging Your Brother’s Support

Consider involving your brother in the conversation. Find out if he is supportive of you and your partner or shares similar views with your mom. If he is supportive, discuss with him how he can be an ally and help address the issue with your mom.

Managing the Relationship

If you still want a relationship with your mom, it may require compromise and boundary-setting. Educating your mom, avoiding sensitive conversations, asserting boundaries, and accepting conflicts as part of the relationship can help. While it’s important to understand the social conditioning in India, it’s also crucial to prioritize your mental well-being.

Focus on Self-care

Take care of yourself by joining support groups or seeking therapy. Build tools to cope with disappointing your family and increase your emotional resilience. Prioritize your relationship with your partner, seek support from friends, consider couples counseling, and have intentional conversations where both of you can express yourselves freely.