Why Chronic People-Pleasing Can Harm Your Mental Health

Most of us enjoy pleasing others. Research even suggests that “agreeableness,” which is a personality trait linked with altruism and cooperation, can generate joy, boost confidence, and foster social connections.

Sometimes, though, appeasing others comes at a cost. It can make us feel resentful, worn out, and undervalued. These are warning signs of people-pleasing’s dark side: chronic people-pleasing.

Chronic people-pleasing isn’t a recognized diagnosis like depression or anxiety. But, it can still hurt your mental health. As a therapist, I have seen how chronic people-pleasing can be a pain point for some of my patients. It’s something, however, that can be changed, especially when you understand more about it.

Signs of chronic people-pleasing

Here are some signs of chronic people-pleasing:

• Over-apologizing: You apologize over and over even for small mistakes or when you may not have done anything wrong.
• Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings: Feeling responsible for someone else’s sadness, anger, or disappointment and trying to “fix it,” even when it hurts you.
• Agreeing, even when you don’t: Backing up another person’s opinions and preferences, even when you disagree.
• Saying yes to avoid conflict: Saying yes to demands or requests to avoid confrontation.
• Feeling like your needs don’t matter: Believing that expressing your own feelings and needs will burden others or push them away.

Why we become people pleasers

Chronic people-pleasing has many causes. A high desire for social approval and acceptance may play a role. This trait, called sociotropy, has also been linked with low self-esteem and rejection sensitivity.

The need to please can also be an aftershock of “relational trauma.” This is trauma that takes place within intimate relationships, especially with one’s parents or caregivers.

How to manage people-pleasing

The impulse to please is often driven by a fear of loss. Perhaps you’re afraid you’ll lose someone’s respect, affection, or care. Or even worse, that you’ll lose the relationship entirely.

Often, I encourage my patients to meet their fear with curiosity. Sometimes, I ask them: “What would you do if you weren’t afraid?”

This can be an empowering way to tap into your desires. Identifying your needs puts you in a position to meet your goals, which is one step toward change.

Here are three more strategies to manage people-pleasing:

• Learn self-compassion: People-pleasers are often forgiving of others but very harsh on themselves.
• Practice saying no: I encourage my patients to practice saying no, especially in situations where they feel safe.
• Seek support: Try to identify when your people-pleasing tendencies light up and seek the support you need to overcome it.

Reaching out to trusted family and friends can be a lifeline. It allows you to find out how much people care, which can remind you that your needs and feelings matter, too.

Juli Fraga, PsyD, is a psychologist with a private practice in San Francisco.

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Sources:

“Over-apologizing” – One of the signs of chronic people-pleasing is over-apologizing, where individuals apologize excessively even when they haven’t done anything wrong. An example is a former patient who apologized every time he asked his boss a question because he didn’t want to make them mad.

“Taking responsibility for other people’s feelings” – Another sign of chronic people-pleasing is taking responsibility for other people’s feelings, such as feeling the need to fix someone else’s sadness or anger even at your own expense. An example is canceling a weekend getaway because a friend doesn’t want you to go.

“Agreeing, even when you don’t” – Chronic people-pleasers often back up other people’s opinions and preferences, even when they disagree. An example is someone championing their father’s political views despite not liking them.

“Saying yes to avoid conflict” – A common trait of chronic people-pleasers is saying yes to avoid conflict, such as agreeing to unreasonable demands or paying for things they can’t afford.

“Feeling like your needs don’t matter” – Chronic people-pleasers often believe that their own feelings and needs don’t matter, fearing that expressing them will burden others or push them away.

“Sociotropy and low self-esteem” – Sociotropy, a high desire for social approval and acceptance, is a personality trait common among chronic people-pleasers. It is linked to low self-esteem and rejection sensitivity.

“Relational trauma” – Chronic people-pleasing can also stem from relational trauma, which occurs within intimate relationships, particularly with parents or caregivers. Trauma responses like “fawning,” or pleasing others to avoid danger, can develop as a result of such trauma.

Note: The content of this article is for informational purposes only and does not constitute medical advice. Please consult with a qualified healthcare professional for diagnosis and treatment options.